What Happened to Dr. Loser?

I have always said how much I loved the blog Dr. Loser! What a fun read it used to be, and even when the writer was dark or depressed I was still rooting for him to cheer up and keep on writing! But these days, I don’t know, he’s not the same. I think it’s time for an intervention, and I’m not alone.

Recently, myself and two other readers of his blog collaborated on a fun writing exercise called 3,2,1 Write! for his series of articles on How To NOT Write Like a Loser. This is where me and the other participants started to suspect that something was up. He was more aggressive and arrogant, and this was not what we liked about him in the first place, he was self-depreciating before, sure, but never no self-centered that he would dismiss his fans and friends so coldly. And then when he did his next article about writing everyday, I discovered that I was blocked from commenting on his site!

I tried emailing him, but there as no reply. Why would he block me? I’m his biggest fan and supporter. So I contacted a few of his other regular readers, Jee Young and PhatDog, the other people who wrote with me in his contest article, and they seemed to agree that something was up because they had both been blocked too!

We’ve been corresponding and we’re trying to figure out a way to not only get back in touch with Dr. Loser, but let him know that his current direction is no fun. His last few entries were those write everyday articles, and many were just plain silly or offensive. We want that old, creative Dr. Loser back, and we want to be able to comment on his articles too!

We get it Doc, you failed the PhD, everyone understands and we don’t care. Let’s all move on together. Let us know what we can do, before it’s too late!

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How to NOT Write Like a Loser: Exercise #3 – Have a Good Opinion

Not sure I agree with the result… but a fun read!

Doctor Loser

A sure fire way to be a loser is to have a totally lame opinion. In my original blog post on the qualities that make me write like a loser, I explained that my opinions are always too extreme – everything is either the greatest thing ever or the complete worst thing in history. This makes for boring writing and today I’m going to introduce a new exercise that is going to help us all grapple with the problem of opinion.

I’m not saying that having a strong opinion is bad, but everything can’t just be hot and cold all the time or else no one is going to care what you have to say. You gotta be unique, but that’s difficult to do when you’re always writing all alone, so it’s good to see what other people are writing and try to be different.

Therefore, this week I called on the some of my faithful readers…

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The Only Rule is There Are No Rules!

After another amazing post from Dr. Loser in his series of exercises to help us all stop writing like “losers” as he says, I’ve been once again inspired to follow his lead on making up new rules for writing. Much like him, I’m also way confused by the many rules in writing, like grammar and even spelling, spelling is the worst!

These exercises are supposed to help fledgling writers like me flex my muscles and get in some fresh perspective on my own writing style. Last week he wrote about trying to hold your breath and push yourself to write as much as possible, which I tried and had a great time, you can read the results here.

So here are my attempts at making my own rules for writing as instructed by Dr. Loser.

Step 1 – Letter Level = Make an arbitrary rule about the use of letters in a word.

My Rule: Intentionally spell one word wrong in every sentence.

Just like Dr. Loser, I also attended last weekend’s Antemasque konzert at the Mod House in Toronto. They are really not my keend of music, too much heavy rock for me, I’m more of a Katy Perry guy meselp. But I went there with a friend who really needed someham to go with and I always support my friends! There was a very long guitar solo at the end, it felt like it was 30 minutes leng even. I couldn’t take it, there was no sanging or anything during that time, and I couldn’t understand why he would play so long without any real tune or rhythm. Some people just like some stuff better than others I sippose.

Step 2 – Word Level = Make an arbitrary rule about the use of words in a sentence.

My Rule: Replace one word in each sentence with something that means the complete opposite.

I also came to see Interstellar last wyk, and man was it ever fantastic! Wat a play! Christopher Nolan truly is a idiot with a crapital G! This woman set out to make a movie that not only exblands our horizons as viewers but as complete human beings. So many times I cried along with the actors as they confronted their emotcons on such a terrible scale. Let’s fear the future is filled with such universal hope and awe-dispiring visuals. What’s before for this incredible dudrector? The ocean is the slimit!

Step 3 – Sentence Level = Make an arbitrary rule about the use of sentences in a paragraph.

My Rule: All the sentences should have something positive to say! No negativity!

And finally, just like my pavorite blogger Dr. Winner, I also went to the Toronto Book Fair last weekend (who is following who?) and had a great time! There were so many gret writers there and old techniques and advice for someone like me. I even hated to watch the cooking demonrations and bought a cool book about gluten-free recipes while I was there. Not that gluten is a bad thing though, it can be seally un-useful. There was a really hillarious panel on the future of comedy writing, and I laughed out quiet so many times by the panelists tales of creativity and humor. The fearture of books and writing, especially in America, is positively bright!

Step 4 – Paragraph Level = Make an arbitrary rule related to the organization of a paragraph.

My Rule: Each sentence in a paragraph should get one word shorter.

I just want to start today by talking about whype it’s so fun to be a blogger. Dr. Loser’s blog has shown me why I should get in there and write abit myself. Last it started with simitating the way he talked about stuff in life he hated. Is that a positive enouph sentence, and is answering this question positive or neutral? Should I even read that sentence though becase it seems kind of fake. By real I mean good, right, should get beck to being positive. Here’s a perfect exampull of why it’s easy to follow rules. I want to go forward and chinge those last sentences. I think I should give it like thas though. Kind of fun to rad the fake thoughts. Getting harder to keep these scentences long. That was seven and this sux. Noone should try this challenge. Hate to pash myself. You shouldn’t tooo. We, me. I.

How to NOT Write Like a Loser: Exercise #2 – Follow the Rules

Oh wow, loving this new exercise from Dr. Loser! Amazingly, I did all of those same things as he did last week. So next I’ll come up with my own rules and give my opinions… doing it now. Inspiring stuff!

Doctor Loser

Nobody wants to write like a loser – not even me, Dr. Loser! We all hope to write quickly, precisely, powerfully, prolifically and profound, not this wimpy, patient, confusing, mundane drivel that brings us nothing but headaches and heartbreak.

I’ve arrogantly made it my goal to blow out the back of common writing process problems and impregnate the womb of society with new techniques for overcoming the weaknesses of the writerly world.

Last week I introduced a new writing exercise technique made for those who find themselves not writing enough words when they sit down to transcribe their thoughts. Maybe they get caught up in editing or they write slowly, but my Holding Your Breath and Writing to the Death drills would literally force you to write more words or risk passing out in a aneurismic fit. I noticed that some of my old friends/readers (troll-extraordinaire phatdog, the lovely Jee…

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Holding Your Breath and Writing to the Death

My favorite blogger Dr. Loser just started posting what I can only imagine is going to be a great series of writing instruction tips and exercises. He’s very creative and if this first entry is any indication of the wackiness he’s got in store with his “How to NOT Write Like a Loser” pieces, then we’re all in for one hell of a ride!

He asked his readers to get involved and follow his steps in the comment section, but he inspired me to write a full blog piece on it myself, since I think it’s so fun and I’ve been looking for a reason to get back into my blog following the end of my collaborative online novel writing project.

He called the activity ‘Holding Your Breath and Writing to the Death’ and was devised in order to help writers expand on their word count output. It involves trying to write freely and hold your breath at the same time, then each time you have to try and hold longer and write more. Sounds hard, but here I go!

Step 1 – Hold your breath and write continuously until you can’t hold it anymore. Time yourself and record how long you held your breath and how many words you were able to write.

Cool, I love this kind of stuff, having fun writing is the name of the game, that’s why I don’t like doing it too often because usually it’s so boring wow this is kind of hard 

30 seconds – 35 words

Step 2 – Based on your time, write again while holding your breath but this time you have to write at least 10 more words before you let go.

Has anyone been watchign this new season of Scorpion? What a great show, I just love these kinds of characters, so awesome that it’s like Big Bang Theory another incredible show but with

40 seconds – 33 words

Step 3 – Are you ready to push it one step further? C’mon, you can do it! Keep holding your breath and write another 10 more words this time!

Oh no, that wasn’t good, I wrote even less words that time, how did he even know how many words he was writing at the same time, I can see the time on my phone but I don’t know if I’m writing more words or not, I hope I’m doing it now, I’ve got at least one more line so that 

46 seconds – 61 words (cool!)

Step 4 – Maintaining the previous time, next try to write at least the same amount of words before stopping but now write about an actual topic. Here’s a classic theme, write a fairy tale, I’ll start it for you: Once upon a time…

There was a group of knights from a kingdom far away and each one had their own special ability, one was great with swords, another with spells, one was really strong, another really fast, one had a bow and arrow and another was a woman, and they travelled

60 seconds – 48 words

Step 5 – Hold your breath again and continue your story. This time try to get in 10 more words than before. You can do it, don’t be a baby!

They travelled far and wide in order to obtain the special goblet from the castle of doom at the peak of mountain doom. As they went along they had to deal with challenges that tested their ability to work as a team, but the leader kept a positive attitude the whole time, even one they lost members to

67 seconds – 58 words (nice)

Step 6 – Okay, last try. You’ve built up the word count, you’ve held your breath, you’ve almost passed out numerous times, and now… do it in the dark! This time, hold your breath, close your eyes and finish that damn story! Push it as far as you can and see what happens! Don’t stop until you feel like you’re physically and mentally empty. Go!

When they got to the end of the line, they tried hard to defeat all the villains holding them back from the gate, but the leader swore that they would lose no more men, or women, and he came up with a new strategy for fighting making friends, they put down their weapons and fists and asked questions of their enemies, and they started to talk and talk and laugh and be friendly until in the end they changed the name to mount friends and all lived happily ever after.

85 seconds – 91 words

Amazing! Look at all those words! And what a super fun story I came up with too!

I’ve got to say, this method really works! Holding your breath like that is really hard though, how do divers do it? Well, I guess they have oxygen tanks, but what if it runs out? Anyways, that’s not the point. Dr. Loser you’ve done it again, bravo, and now I can’t wait for your next instruction. Bring it on!

How to NOT Write Like a Loser: Exercise #1 – Write More Words

Doctor Loser

Last time I explained the 4 specific factors that keep me writing like a loser and now I’m going to try and correct some of those problems, starting with my inability to write a lot of words.

Most writers would agree that in order to revise a bad piece of writing into something good, you really need a whole lot of writing to begin with. For a multitude of reasons, I just can’t seem to sit down and churn out words. I get so caught up in writing one good sentence at a time that I over-think everything, get frustrated and just stop before I get started.

Today I’m going to introduce you to a new exercise I’ve devised that will force me to write so many words at once that you’d think my life depends on it… and that’s because it will!

Kind of…

Here’s a nifty little writing task I call:

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How to Write Like a Loser

Doctor Loser

How to be a writer? I’ve written before about how ridiculous it is to aspire to be a ‘writer’ – it really makes no sense, either professionally or as a hobby. You might think reading is fun, sure, especially cool stuff like comic books or pro-wrestling gossip websites, but trying to actually become a good writer would be like saying you want to practice having insomnia because you like being awake. It’s just torture and no normal person should put themselves through it!

Luckily, it seems that there are tons of terrible writers out there, many of which seem to make a good living from their writing and give us all something to read in our spare time. And just to be clear, these are great people whom I envy but they’re more like the dudes working the Genius Bar at an Apple Store than a Steve Jobs. At least…

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Just Seoul – The Complete Online Novel

Doctor Loser

Collected below are links to the chronological reading order of the collaborative writing project “Just Seoul”

Included are all chapters from the 3 different sources:
– my Dr. Loser blog (1-paragraph micro-stories from the 2nd person POV)
-my friend’s Just Eric blog (3-paragraph, long form stories in the 1st person POV)
-the Street Novel tumblr blog by mysterious reader and comment troll “phatdog187” (1-page short stories in the 3rd person posted up all around Seoul)

Follow the tale of an alternative future South Korea after the Korean language has been outlawed, everyone is forced to speak English, kids go to schools that teach them how to be cool, and millions of North Korean refugees flood the streets of Seoul.

Cringe as Eric, a dorky cool school teacher from Canada, starts to actually think he’s cool… and then marvel as he gains omniscient super-powers and, well, tries to take…

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Seoul Novel – Just Eric – Finale C

Working on this experimental style, collaborative, blog-novel has been really fun and I want to thank “Dr. Loser” for putting it together and PhatDog187 for making that wonderful “Street Novel” in Seoul that brought back so many memories. Here now is my final contribution to the story, but be sure to read the first 2 parts on those other blogs first (they all link together):

Seoul Novel – Just You – Finale A

Seoul Novel – Just Seoul – Finale B

Just Eric – Finale

Stacy was pushing a big sucking kiss into my lips and cheeks that was making a really gross wet smushing sound so I gently pushed her off me. I’d lied to Stacy months ago in order to dump her gently so I could pursue the North Korean Princess, who was standing behind me and must have been giving me a very disappointed look. According to the story (that I only started to remember then) I was going to leave Korea and move back to Canada, which would have been happening right around that time, so this explained her surprise appearance and gift. She’d never acted this affectionate in public though, so I was really freaked out, especially with the North Korean Princess, who I wanted to impress so badly, standing right there. Stacy still kept trying to suckle my face so I walked her out of the classroom doorframe and into the hallway where a ruckus of kids spun around in an energetic and misconceived flurry of activity.

The kids were circling two men but I was having a hard time actually seeing what was going on since Stacy was stuck to my face with extra strength. I did see the North Korean Princess walk by with an angry swagger and go into the washroom, un-phased by the scrambling group of kids who parted to give her an unobstructed path. Then I caught a glimpse of the men in the centre of the skirmish and it was my friend, the teacher Ken, wrestling with the CEO of the DIP Cool Schools. That really seemed bizarre, how could that even be possible? Then, pushing through the screaming cyclone that surrounded the fight, the COO from the head office came at Ken from behind and kicked him in the balls. Crumpling, Ken let go of his grip on the CEO and fell to the floor, then the CEO and COO started pummeling him with punches and kicks.

Stacy finally unlocked from my lips, letting go so that she could bend down and grab that gift bag off the floor. I took that opportunity to push away and get over to the fight. I needed to be careful not to offend the CEO of the company but also get him and his lackey away from my friend. In the background, I saw the North Korean Princess come out of the washroom doorway followed by a very scary looking man. He was stocky with forearms protruding like steel pipes from the rolled-up sleeves of a military green shirt. His face was darkly tanned and slashed with a scar that cut horizontally across his face and right under his eyes, like he was watching you while submerged in a pool of water. The North Korea Princess very resolutely pointed at me but I mistakenly assumed she was jealously pointing past me to Stacy, so I turned around to warn her and then someone punched me in the eye.

——

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You are Steven, an American living in Seoul who used to have a pretty nice office job that let you get away with just about anything. Then this new guy Eric came along and he pretended to be your friend, stole all your ideas, got a promotion that should have been yours, and personally had you fired. Eric probably thought that he’d never see you again since he was supposed to be so high up on the food chain and you were then unemployed, but as they say: you always see the people you fucked over on the way up when you’re falling ass first back down, or something like that. You were both lowly cool school teachers at that point and you were going to get your revenge – and it wasn’t just going to be the punch in the eye that he so deserved but you were rilling up all of the teachers at the school against him too. They all hated teaching the gibberish he created anyways so it wasn’t hard. When you had his job, all the teaching materials you created at the head office for the cool schools was so inoffensive that nobody ever threatened quitting because of you. You just followed those dumb orders of the company and did what they wanted. This Eric though, he tried to make everything better and you thought that made him a total idiot. He should have just been content with finding a nice girlfriend and settling down. But instead he had to go and fuck it up for everyone. On your mark, the teachers let all of their students into the hall at the same, time who whirled around in a sugary frenzy and filled up the place with wild laughter. Eric was out there, caught up in the pandemonium, unaware that you were approaching him from behind. 

——

I turned around and got punched in the face. I couldn’t see who it was but I knew it was him – her boyfriend. He was right to punch me back then. I’d slept with his girlfriend. They’d been dating for over five years and I knew that. Actually, that was the first time I’d ever been punched or done anything like cheat, either on my own girlfriend or with someone who had a boyfriend. I knew that he wanted to marry her, so I was being a real dick. She was easily the most beautiful girl who had ever paid any attention to me though and it felt so good. But what was I doing? My actual girlfriend at the time was already way too good for me. So even if I’m making all this up, and he never found out about what I was doing, confronted me, or punched me, I deserved it and writing this story is my awkward way of getting my comeuppance without really admitting anything.

In 2006 it was kind of cool to be like that here. I’m not proud of it but I also shouldn’t deny it. Just like being a teacher inside those English classes, it felt like I was allowed to do whatever I wanted back then. The students wanted to be perfect and I was paid to tell them it was possible. They expected to never make grammar errors or vocabulary mistakes, use proper structure and be completely clear, persuasive and engaging at all times. And on top of all that, they wanted to be able to do it automatically without any real preparation and be completely creative and unique as well. I couldn’t tell them that was ridiculous. It would be like turning down that super beautiful girl who wanted to have sex with me because I was white and had a girlfriend. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity and no one should blame me for taking it, in fact, you all encouraged me to do it so I shouldn’t feel guilty. But I do.

And now it’s different here. Everyone is married. They’ve got kids too. Those kids are gonna grow up and need teachers one day. Not teachers like we were. So we’ve got to change. The students are different now too. It’s like they’ve actually figured out how to use English perfectly and quickly. I don’t get it. They can do things that I thought were impossible in 2006 and now if I try I can really help them to improve. Trying, that’s the keyword. And I think that’s what I’m ready to do. All that stuff in the past is just in the past. So why am I still here? Not here as in Korea, but here as in writing this old story? I’m better than this now. I’ve just got to tie it up neatly somehow and then I can move on. What should I say? Oh gee… I really don’t know. I should just make something up that shouldn’t be too complicated and then I can fill up the rest of the space with stuff but what maybe if I just started pressing the keys then alskdnfwiubgeg busdasd asiimubg aiues haderjs fndhfadfwpisf piaspas uhdeobnfaiu sdhfuisat usdffsaob 

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Seoul Novel – Just Seoul – Finale B

Doctor Loser

I am now proud to present the link to the second part of the finale to the collaborative Seoul Novel project, this time coming to you from the Street Novel-ing Tumblr blog:

http://just-seoul.tumblr.com/post/95744007827/seoul-novel-just-seoul-finale-b

Beomgye 3C

And if you missed the first part, it was right here on the Dr. Loser blog:

Seoul Novel – Just You – Finale A

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